


He's the tear in my heart

by josh_u_r_dun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: ? - Freeform, Angst, Anxiety, Car Accidents, Coming Out, Cuddling, Depression, Fem!Tyler, Fluff, Hospitals, I promise this is fluffy in places, Im hoping this is gonna be cute, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Self Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Yikes, anxious!josh, asthmatic!tyler, body checking, but like more lowkey, friends to lovers au, ill add more tags as I go, im sorry, they're both art students, this sounds so depressing, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 00:19:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8034658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josh_u_r_dun/pseuds/josh_u_r_dun
Summary: Just another (best)friends to lovers auJosh Is hopelessly in love with Tyler, but refuses to admit it- he cant be in love with his bestfriend...(I'm sorry I don't know how to summarize it, so you should just read it)((the tags do a better job at summarizing it))





	1. I will hopefully name this later

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome!  
> I am going to be trying really hard to actually update this but please be patient, it takes me awhile to write stuff  
> I hope you like it ^-^
> 
> (also I'm very sorry for any mistakes but the words stopped making sense)
> 
> WARNINGS:  
> panic attacks

My phone vibrated against my bedside table, alerting me of a text, the screen showing Tyler's name. Quickly, I sat up unlocking and reading over the new message.

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ hey can I come over? _

I smiled, I wasn't able to see him at unitec today because I was sick, and even though it had been less than twentyfour hours since I last saw him, I missed him; a lot.

**_Josh:_ ** _ yeah sure m sick tho _

**_Josh:_ ** _ the doors unlocked _

I listened to the front door slowly open and soft footsteps come towards my room, causing me to burrow down further into the blankets. The door opened and I screwed my eyes shut, blocking out any light that might have made its way into my blankets. 

“Hey Jish, how ya feelin’?” his voice was kept to a low whisper.

“Like crap. How was tec Ty?” he mumbled a response before crawling into bed with me, just like we have done since we were little.

“Let me be the big spoon Jishwa,” I shook my head, protesting slightly as he settled down behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me closer. I leant into him as he ran his fingers through my hair.

“You were already outside when you sent the text weren't you, Ty?” he gently massaged my scalp, before pushing the brown stands from my face.   
“Mmhm, just go to sleep, Joshie. You need rest,” his warm breath brushed against my neck, as he buried his face into my back. Eventually his breaths became even and I was left wrapped in his warm embrace, enjoying being this close to my bestfriend; but it still hurt knowing that's all we would ever be- just friends.

 

“Hey, dinner's ready,” I groaned, opening my eyes to find my mum standing in the doorway smiling at us. “And bring Tyler with you, I’ll set him another place,” there was a muffled thank you from behind me, his face still buried in my shoulder when she left. We slowly untangled ourselves, sitting up, and stretching before Tyler crawled out of the blankets, reaching out to take my hand and pull me up. I held on tightly, keeping his hand in mine, as I dragged him into the kitchen, where plates of food waited for us. We sat down next to each other in the last two places, still holding hands under the table.

“Thank you Mama Dun,” Tyler smiled across the table at her, before starting on his meal. We ate together, making small talk around the table until we were all excused.  

 

After helping out with the dishes, we made our way back to my room and got back in bed.

“Josh, let me be the big spoon for you,” I shook my head, pulling him back into the blankets when he tried to get behind me- I knew he preferred being the little spoon.

“No Ty, let me cuddle you,” he wiggled around, trying to get in my place but he eventually gave up. I let myself relax against him, slowly falling asleep while pressed against his back.

 

I was awoken by someone shaking me, and calling my name.

“J- Josh..” I sat up blinking into the darkness, as ragged breaths were ripped from from the boy next to me.

“J, I-I cant breath,” I was suddenly very awake. I leant over and turned on the light.

“Frick, where's your inhaler?” he pointed at his bag. I quickly pulled it up onto my bed and dug through the front pocket, pulling it out. He leant forwards when I pressed the blue pastic to his lips and tilted his head back, pressing the silver button at the top. I lightly rubbed circles onto his back, encouraging him to take deep breaths, as his trembling slowed.  I took his hand and pressed it against my chest, knowing that it helps him keep his breathing even .After five minutes of deep breathing he relaxed, leaning on me and resting his head on my shoulder. I sat in front of him, with one hand holding his to my chest and the other resting on his shoulder. 

“Are you okay now?” he sniffed, nodding and wiping his tear streaked face on the back of his hand.

“Yeah… Thanks, Jishwa. Sorry, I had a nightmare ‘nd freaked out.. sorry,” wrapping him in the blanket that sat at the end of my bed, I shifted so I was next to him and, pulled him into my side.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he shook his head, resting it back on my shoulder.

“It’s okay now, Ty. Everything is okay,” eventually, we moved from our upright position to lying back on our sides, with Tyler pressed firmly against me- and that's how we stayed for the rest of the night.

 

The first thing I noticed was the  sun leaking through the gaps in the curtains, the next thing was that there wasn't anyone lying next to me; only a piece of paper. I quickly glanced at my alarm clock, it showing that I only had five minutes until I had to get out of bed, before picking up the note.

 

_ J, _

_ I had to leave early for work _

_ Hope to see you at school _

_ xxx _

 

  * __Tyler__



 

I smiled to myself, tucking the letter into my desk draw for safekeeping- he didn't need to know I keep them all.  My alarm started beeping and I turned it off, begrudgingly getting out of the warmth of my blankets. 

 

I made it out of the house a couple minutes early, holding my toast in one hand and my bag in the other, thinking about Tyler leaving without breakfast (he probably did have some, I just wanted an excuse to get him nice food). As I approached the bus stop, I stuffed the rest of my toast into my mouth and pulled out out my phone.

**_Josh:_ ** _ breakfast is on me so don't you dare eat anything see you in 10  _

I knew that he always felt bad after an asthma attack, and nice food usually helpped him (minus that one time it made it worse...)

 

I got off the bus, thanking the driver and heading to the cafe to meet Tyler. When I walked in, my eye went directly to Tyler, who was scribbling something down into his small notebook; he also had a cup in front of him.

“Hey Ty,” he looked up, slamming the book closed, “I told you breakfast was on me. You're not supposed to get it yourself,” he shrugged handing me a cup just like his.

“To bad, and we have class soon so,” he poked his tongue out at me, before getting up and pushing me out the door.

“Can I at least pay you back?” he shook his head, nudging me with his shoulder.

“You snooze you lose buddy,” I pouted, shoving him off the path and onto the grass. We shuffled into class with seconds to spear, seating ourselves at our usual table, and pulling out our work. The teacher  walked  in, instructing us to finish our paintings, and giving us the usual lecter of “You have to of completed this by the end of the week,” “This is your last year, so make it a good one” and my personal favorite “And I don't want paint on the roof again  _ Dun _ ,” he always glared at me before skipping off to incept our paintings. I looked down at my art work- the task was to paint the thing that makes you happiest, so naturally I chose Tyler. In the picture I chose, he was looking slightly off to the side , smiling, with a flower crown sitting just off center, on top of his head. I haven't let him see it yet,  for he doesn't know this picture exists… or that I’m painting him. So in return, I haven’t been able to see his- but it's very hard to keep something like this hidden from the person you spend 90% of your time with.

I look up at the roof, inspecting the light pink paint that had dried above me, from when I shook the paint bottle when the lid wasn't on right.

It's something I'll never live down.

 

I was quietly humming to myself as I dragged my brush over the paper, taking care not to knock the wall of books Tyler had built between us. Then someone hit me. I tensed when they stumbled into me, causing me to almost smear paint across the page. They quickly apologized before carrying on back to their desk. My breathing quickened and my hands began to shake, I felt some one help me out of the overly loud room.

“Josh,” I felt a wall behind me and sat down, pressing my back against it. “Hey, Josh look at me. Please,” gentle hands wiped my face. I made a small noise, shuffling back from the person in front of me.

“It’s ok J, it's Tyler. I won't hurt you,” I looked up, my eyes meeting the boys’ in front of me as he lightly rubbed small patterns into my shoulder. Ragged breaths were ripped from me as I was pulled into a hug.

“I-I’m sor-ry,” I choked on my sobs, burying my face into his shoulder trying to match my breathing with his, trying to ignore the fact that I felt like I’m drowning.

“That’s it, deep breaths buddy,” he slowly ran his hands over my back, whispering praise softly  into my ear .

“your doing so good Joshie, you're so strong,” I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into me and keeping him close; close enough to feel his heartbeat. Gradually my breathing  became calm enough for me to stand again. We stood out in the hallway together, my head on his shoulder with his arm around my waist. I felt safe. 

“Do you wanna leave now?” I could see the concern in his eyes so I  nodded, hoping that he wouldn't worry as much then.

 

After walking from the bus stop we made into Tyler's house, opening the door and practically throwing ourselves onto the couch.

“Hey Josh, why were you painting me in art?” I felt my face heat up at his question. I had forgotten that he would have seen it when he went after me.

“I uhh.. Y-you make me happy?” I buried my face in a pillow, willing my breathing to stay as even as possible. 

What if he hated me? He definitely hates me now

There was a slightly muffled reply from the boy next to me.

“R-really? You make me happy too J!” he mumbled the next few words, making them hard to understand. I looked up from a pillow to find Tyler looking over at me rather sheepishly, with a faint blush covering his cheeks. 

“Josh? It's ok, ‘m not mad,” I held my breath, willing my anxiety to go away so I wouldn't have to put Tyler through this again.  He drew me into him.

“Deep breaths, Joshie. It’s okay, you’re safe here,” stedally, my breaths became in time with his as he calmly helped me through it.

“That’s it. Have you had your meds today?” I looked down guiltily, only just managing to keep my breathing uniform when he looked at me questioningly.

“Hey,it’s okay,” his eyes softened as if he could feel my guilt “I think I have so that you left here ‘bout a month back,” he got up and gently helped me to my feet, gesturing for me to follow him. He took me into his bedroom and dug through his desk draws, before pulling out a small container that held two small pills. He held it out to me and I took it from him gratefully.

“Thanks man, I’d be lost without you,” I walked into the bathroom, leaning over at the sink and drinking from the tap before swallowing the tablets. I padded my way back into the lounge only to find Tyler playfully fighting with his flatmate Jenna. She was very pretty and if I wasn't as gay as the devil himself, it would be her I had the crush on; not  _ him _ . She had long blond hair with a blue streak underneath to one side, she also had the world's prettiest blue eyes, and I’m pretty sure Tyler has a bit of a crush on her. 

“Hey Jenn!” her smile grew when she saw me, wrapping me in a tight embrace.

“Josh! I haven’t seen you in like forever!” Tyler laughed, running his hands through his hair. God I love his smile.

“Jenn you saw him like less than a week ago,” he paused, looking up and counting on his fingers “Like five days ago Jenna,” she turned around, glaring at him and threw a couch cushion at him  but he easily caught it and put it back to its original place.

“Yeah! That’s like forever Ty,” he shook his head “And I’m sure J is on my side right?” I could feel both of their eyes on me, waiting for me to answer. I cleared my throat.

“Well.. since I have known Tyler the longest, I think I’m supposed to be on his side,” he smirked confidently over at Jenna, standing  little taller than before. 

“So… I’m gonna have t’ say Jenna’s right.” His face fell and Jenna jumped up and down, hugging me again. He did not look impressed.

“You're gonna regret this Joshua.”

 

I wasn’t able to spend much time with him, so now I was left procrastinating by lying on my bed in the sun. My phone buzzed but I just pushed it to one side, not really wanting to talk to anyone because I had to finish my work. Groaning, I sat up and stumbled into my desk, hitting my thigh on the corner.

“AH FU-RICK!” I rubbed my leg, trying to soothe the small fire that had started where it had dug in. I heard my mum call from down stairs.   
“Watch your language Mr!” I nodded, frowning  to myself as I set up my work area. I glanced over at my phone still feeling bad for ignoring it, hoping that it wasn't Tyler. It vibrated several more times against the sheets but I pushed the thought of answering it away, going back to my paints. 

I finally gave in, getting up and unlocking it, being blinded by the sudden brightness.

_ 12 missed messages from Floral Spook. _

I froze. Was he okay? Does he need help? I quickly opened them reading each one.

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ j _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ josh _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ love me _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ please j _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ jjjooooooooooossssssssssshhh _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ this is important  _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ josh _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ jishwa _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ j i need you _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ j i really need you _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ please call me _

**_Floral Spook:_ ** _ please _

I have had never moved so fast to call someone before. I clicked on his contact and counted three rings before he picked up.

“Josh! Josh! Josh! Jenn is cat sitting a kitten and we have it until tomorrow night!” He talked quickly enough for it to all sound like one word causing me to relax and let out a small sigh, taking a moment to collect myself- It’s okay, he’s fine.

“Joshie? Are you okay?” I was only now I realize that I hadn't said anything yet. I let out a shaky breath.

“Yeah, yeah ‘m fine, Ty. I’ll come around tomorrow ‘nd see okay?”

“Mmm, okay J.” He didn’t sound convinced. “And if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to text or call okay?” I closed my eyes listening to his voice thanking god that he was safe.

“Yes I know, thank you,” He sighed pausing, letting the silence fall over the line for a few seconds before speaking up again.

“It doesn't matter what the time is okay? I love you man,” I could here Jenna talking in the background, saying something along the lines of ‘Tyler, hurry up and save me!’

“Yes, okay Ty, I love you too man. It sounds like you should go back and help Jenn,” we both laughed.

“Yeah okay, I see ya later,” I could hear a bit of a smile in his voice, and I could only imagine what was happening. I flopped onto my bed, not quite realizing how tired I really was until my body hit the blankets. My muscles ached, but I tried to pay no attention to that as I tried to sink into the calm abyss.


	2. It's platonic (I swear)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cute fluff with some angst (if you can call it that)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> suicide attempt (the begging and end will be marked with ***)
> 
> Stay Safe frens xx

I walked up the driveway, stopping at the door and getting out the key Tyler had gotten me cut. Slowly, I pushed it open and walked in, being surprised by a small furry creature that was now bounding towards me. I scooped up the tiny ginger kitten before calling out loudly for Tyler.

“Honey! I’m home!” there was a small laugh and the pitter patter of feet against the floorboards, then without warning I was wrapped in a warm hug.

“Joshie! You’re back!” he squealed, laughing into my shoulder as Jenna walked in, making gagging noises.

“You guys are so cute together it makes me sick. Just get together and kiss already!” I felt my face heat up and buried it in his shoulder, trying to hide my embarrassment- it still made my heart race at the thought of being anything other than friends.

“You’re just jealous that you don’t got the chemistry we do,” he stated matter of factly before leaning in and kissing my cheek. I didn't think my face could get hotter, but boy was I wrong. He pulled back when I was in a daze and took the kitten from me, running off into the lounge. I looked over at Jenna who smiled at me sadly, knowing full well the pain that this coursed me. She pulled me in after him. 

  


We all sat on the couch, looking at the screen in front of us discussing how unrealistic the movie was. Tyler sat between me and Jenna, with the kitten, who we had named Max on his lap.

“If the shoe fitted perfectly how did it fall off?” Jenna hit her head against a pillow, the annoyance obvious on her face.

“It’s Cinderella Tyler. A  _ disney _ movie,” she used the cushion to hit him in the face when he opened his mouth to reply. The small argument that had broken out between them was soon lost my attention when I looked back at the person next to me.

  


To say that I loved him would be an understatement; I completely and utterly adore him. Everything about him was perfect. His fluffy hair that stuck out in weird directions when he first gets up in the morning. His eyes and how they are the most beautiful shade of brown. His teeth that were perfectly crocked, and showed whenever he smiled. I could go on for days about every little thing I loved about him, and I don't just mean the obvious stuff. I mean things like how he twitches when he is deep in thought, or how he relaxed completely when ever he sat at his piano, or even the way his clothes hung off his strong yet skinny frame. I forgot I was staring at him until he turned to face me, making eye contact with me. He quickly looked away, a faint blush evident on his cheeks. 

“You two look like a couple of lovesick puppies,” Jenna teased, lightly shoving Tyler into me.

“Yeah Ty, sometimes I think you might have a crush on me,” I winked at him, trying to play off the fact that my face was the reddest it has ever been. He laughed, ruffling my hair.

“You wish Dun..” he trailed off, getting distracted by something. I laughed, trying brush off the comment- I mean, we were just friend and I did  _ not _ have any feelings for him.

I can't be in love with my best friend. No, I just loved him platonically, nothing more, nothing less. 

  


I woke up still on the couch but this time Tyler was leaning, almost lying on me. He mumbled something nestling down further into my shoulder, his hair brushing against my jaw. There was a bright flash. I looked up to find Jenna watching us with a camera in hand.

“Mmm? Wha’s happening?” the younger lifted his head, his speech still slurred from sleep, before sitting up and stretching.

“Don't worry,” I glanced at Jenna who crept out of the room grinning. I sat up straight, trying to get rid of the pain in my back- I remember now why I don’t sleep on the couch now. I turned my phone on, checking the time.

Okay, ‘m sorry but I gotta go do my art, see ya my dudes” I quickly said goodbye to them, before making my way back home.

  


My phone rang, waking me up. I blinked into the brightness getting a quick glance at the clock - 3:16am - I flicked the green circle across the screen answering the call.

“Hello?” I closed my eyes waiting for a reply.

“Hey, sorry for waking you up,”  he sounded worn out and tired.

“Nah, it's fine I was awake anyways,” the lie came easily, knowing that we will be slipping back into 3am talks since it's almost winter now.

“Oh ‘m sorry,” I could hear the rawness in his voice, like he had been crying before he rung.

“Hey it’s okay, what's up?” there was a shaky breath from the other side of the line.

“It’s just... ” he let out a frustrated sigh, “I’m sorry. I don't know, and I woke you up and I don’t even know what's wrong..” all I could think of was last year when we found him.

***

_ I ran up to the bathroom door, trying to the handle but finding it was locked. I knocked loudly on the wooden frame.  _

_ “Tyler, please open the door,” there were a few sniffs, but otherwise the other room was silent. I sprinted into the kitchen and pulled my phone from my pocket, calling Jenna and digging through the draw for the key. _

_ “Hey Josh, what's up?” she sounded so happy and I hated that I had to ruin it. _

_ “I need you Jenna, please come now… it's Tyler...” I trailed off hoping she understood. I rushed back up to the bathroom with the key in hand.  _

_ “I'm on my way,” the call ended as I slipped open the door, finding Tyler semi conscious on the floor.  I pulled him up so he was leaning on the bath, clicking my fingers in front of his face.  _

_ “Hey, Ty, look at me,” I grabbed the closest towel, wrapping it around his arms and applying pressure. He lazily looked up at me. _

_ “‘ ‘ m s-sorry,” his speech was slurred. An empty bottle of pills caught my eye; I picked it up. _

_ “Did you take these?” he smiled and nodded happily, closing his eyes. _

_ “Come on, eyes open Ty. We gotta get these out of you okay?” he shook his head, protesting when I dragged him over to the toilet. _

_ “No! no no no no no!” I tried to be gentle with him but it's hard when the other person is trying to get away from you. I heard the front door open. _

_ “Jenna!” I called out to her, “Call an ambulance! Its an emergency!” there was a muffled reply so I turned my attention back to Tyler, who was still fighting against me.  _

_ “I’m sorry” I apologized to him in advance, knowing that he will hate me for it. Using one hand on his arm to apply pressure and to keep him still, I brought my other hand up and shoved my fingers down his throat mid complaint. I pushed him over the bowl as he coughed, and repeated this until the paramedics were here. _

_ *** _

You will never know the amount of fear and guilt you feel when someone you love is rushed away for something you could have prevented, until you're there.

  


“It's fine Ty, I’m always here to listen if you need to talk okay?” there was a small sniff from the other side of the line.

“Do you want me to come over?”

“No, no it’s okay. I’ll be okay,” I wasn’t sure if the last part was supposed to convince him or me, but I let it go.

“Are you sure? I can just stay on until you go to sleep,” he let out a breathy laugh.

“No, it’s fine. Get some sleep, I love you Josh,” he hung up before I could get another word in, so I was just left with a dull beep.

“I love you too Ty...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!!
> 
> I dont think I will be able to write as much because I have speeches at school, so I cant say when the next update will be up, so I am sorry if it take a while :/
> 
> kudos and comments are always greatly appreciated
> 
> Tumblr: josh-u-r-dun


	3. There is something...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to proof read it nothing really makes scenes and I kept skipping line, so sorry if it doesn't make sense
> 
> Warnings:  
> there is a very brief description of dissociation

It had been almost a week since I last saw him, I kept asking if I could come over, but he always said he was busy. 

Busy.

I keep trying to think of all the things that he had to do. His art? That was almost due, but then should he not be finished by now? He could be changing things around his apartment but then again, but surely Jenna would have said something. 

I was lying on the floor, looking up at the ceiling, trying to think of all the possible reasons why Tyler was avoiding me. Did he hate me? Did he actually just need me? What if something happened to him - he hasn't responded to the text I sent a couple days ago. My mind ran lose, thinking up all the possible situation that he could be in. The red lights on my alarm read 5:26am - Had I really been lying here thinking for five hours? I closed my eyes trying to get rid of the spinning feeling but, it only really made it worse. The next hour was filled with jittery breaths and unsure touches, never quite sure if it was real or not.

 

At some point I must have fallen asleep because the sun was now shining directly onto my face.

What a great way to start my day.

I shifted, moving around the rays of light and shutting the curtains, mentally thanking myself for handing in my art a day early as I flopped down onto my bed. My head throbbed, pulsing in time with my heart beat, reminding me that I have to get up and do things like drinking. I ran my hands through my hair before slowly separating myself from my sheets, and heading out down the hallway. Luckily, it was late enough for my parents to be out, so I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone just yet. There was a cup already sitting on the bench (which I vaguely remember putting there) so I grabbed it, taking the risk of something gross possibly being put it. I found my meds, taking a couple out of the bottle and swallowing them with water. 

 

To help pass time and distract me I tidied the front of the house, cleaning the kitchen, bathroom and dining room, and vacuuming the lounge. It didn't matter what I did, my mind kept repeating the same words over and over again.

**_Busy. He’s so busy he’s forgotten about you. Busy, yeah right. More like leave me alone, no one likes you._ **

The same thoughts being repeated over, and over, and  _ over _ again, yet getting harder and harder to fight off. I lay down on my bed, getting out my book that I had started a few days ago. 

It was a play called ‘All My Sons’ by Arthur Miller and so far it was really good.

I lay on the couch surrounded in blankets with my book and some tea, peacefully reading until there was a knock at the door, and the sound of a key sliding to the lock. The door opened and I burrowed under the blankets, hoping that I will be left alone if they think I’m asleep. Someone walked over to me, stopping at my feet and sitting on the edge of the cushions. They lightly placed their hand on my shoulder, running it down the length of my arm.

“Hey, J. I know you're awake but it’s okay if you don’t want t’ talk to me, I can leave,” he sighed, getting up to leave; I reached out, catching his hand.

“Stay?” I looked up, my eyes meeting his. “Please, Tyler,” he nodded, blinking slowly, a single tear rolling down his check.

“I’m sorry,” he pulled me up, trapping me in his arms “ ‘m sorry ‘m sorry ‘m sorry ‘m sorry, ‘m sorry,” I held him tightly to my chest, making a mental note to ask what he was sorry for - but that is for later.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” I slowly lead him into my room, knowing that my parents would be home soon and would ask questions if they saw us like this. 

 

We lay in bed together, wrapped in each other's arms as I  listened to him ramble about the kitten, and how he was sorry, but still not explaining what he did. After a while he slowed down, eventually stopping, leaving us in silence. I absentmindedly ran my hand through his hair, humming quietly when he buried his face into my shirt. The tranquil silence consumed us completely, but neither of us dared to break it. A Speck of sun made it’s way through my curtains, and onto my back, but I didn't dare move. He was sleeping softly, occasionally twitching and mumbling something that just sounded like a string of incoherency.  I carefully moved one of my arms, hoping not to wake him as I got my phone out of my pocket and took a photo. It wasn't the best of quality - it was a little blurry and on a weird angle but hey, he still looked cute in it. I kept watching him, knowing full well that this was probably really creepy, but he just looked so.. Peaceful. He looked so different curled up into me, mouth slightly open mumbling nonsense into my chest, wheezing slightly. I assumed that he must have been super tired, because I don't think I have ever seen him fall asleep that quickly. 

 

I don’t know how long we were there for, until we were rudely interrupted by a loud motorbike driving down the road. His eyes fluttered before opening and meeting mine.

“Were you just… watching me sleep?” he sat up and stretched, rubbing his face with his hands.

“Yup,” he shook his head as he settled back down into the bed.

“Okay, whatever dude. Oh, and sorry for drooling on your shirt man,” I giggled. “I’m sorry,” I propped myself up on my arm and looked over at him.

“Why are you sorry? You haven’t done anything wrong,” he covered his face with his arms.

“B-but I have Josh! I- I think I have fallen for someone...” I didn’t think my mood could drop so quickly.

“That's not wrong Tyler,it’s noraml. Who is it?” he shifted uncomfortably, avoiding looking at me.

“You’ll hate me if I tell you J,” he let out a shaky breath.

“I won't hate you Ty, I could never hate you,” he squeezed his eyes shut, apologising repeatedly.

“Is there anything I can do t’ make you feel better?” he thought about it for a moment.

“Well actually...” he rolled himself over so he was now straddling me, “You gotta promise not to laugh though okay?” I nodded, not quite sure on what he was about to do. He pushed me down so I was lying flat on my back and slowly leant in. I could feel his hot breath on my skin, his lips barely an inch away from mine. Leaning forwards, he kept his hands on my shoulders.

“Can I ask you something Joshie?” my heart stopped.

“y-yeah,” there was a sly smile playing his lips.

“How does a fridge work?” I laughed despite the fact that my heart sunk a little.

“I dunno Ty, somethin’ t’ do with compressed gas adsorbing the foods heat making it cold? Don't quote me on that though okay?” he giggled- he  _ actually  _ giggled. 

“You’re cute J,” I blushed, bright pink just as my mum walked in.

And then out again.

Tyler burst into hysterical laughter.

“You got some explaining to do mister,” I playfully pushed him off me when I heard a call from down stairs.

“Dinner’s almost up! Come down when you're ready!” we grinned at each other, knowing that ‘when you’re ready’ was code for ‘when you get off each other’, and ‘dinner’ was code for ‘we need to talk.’

 

We were sitting at the table with empty plates in front of us what she asked the question.

“So are you two dating?” everything inside of me wanted to be able to scream ‘yes! I am dating the man of my dreams!’ but something told me it wouldn’t sit well with tyler.

“No Mum, it’s fine. We’re not together,” she looked over at Tyler and back at me; sighing she got up, picking up our plates.

“Okay, okay” we looked at eachother and Tyler shrugged.

“I was expecting worse to be honest,” I nodded. He was right I was expecting the ‘it’s okay if you are, just be safe’ talk, but I think we narrowly avoided that one. As we walked back to my  room I couldn’t but think, what if I was dating him- my best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it guys
> 
> I wrote this instead of my speech so wish me luck, I actually gotta do it now
> 
> If you have any ideas/want anything to happen, feel free to tell me, because I only have limited things planed!  
> I will also be more than happy to add more tags if needed
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated, and you can talk to me on tumblr (i don't bite)
> 
> Tumblr: josh-u-r-dun


	4. Famous Last Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for one of my best friends Coral!! 
> 
> Also my friend Lion helped my out a bit, you can find them on tumblr @blurryface-is-here
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry guys this isn't really proofread (hopefully I'll do it later)

It was surprisingly warm for an autumn day, so what's a better way to spend it than in your friend's garden? I watched Tyler dig holes in the soft ground and placing some small flowers into them- his flower garden always looked great, no matter the time of year. 

“Won’t the snow ‘nd stuff  kill them?” he patted around the base of the plants, shaking his head.

“No, well maybe. But if I put  a frost cloth over them, I can try keep the snow off them. And plus, it’s just another reason to get out of bed in the morning,” he hummed happily, smiling as he placed the last pansy plant in the ground. I took out my phone, snapping a few photos - he always looked so beautiful doing the things he loved. The way his eyes lit up and showed he was truly happy, even if was just for a moment, was enough for anyone to fall in love with him. 

The soft lighting made Tyler look so much more… prettier; now don’t get me wrong, he was always absolutely breathtaking but, the way the gentle shadows were cast across his face as he happily sang to himself, was something entirely different. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before slowly exhaling.

“I think that sometimes we take small things for granted,” he drew his attention up to the sky, looking almost at peace with himself. I took this moment to start recording, knowing it will probably be something worth keeping.

“I mean like… sometime we forget to stop and look around us, to take deep breaths and really appreciate what we have,” he sat down on the damp grass next to me. “We only rarely think ‘wow, I’m so happy to be alive!’ but maybe if we looked at the small things, like how we can sit here and listen to the birds sing,” he paused, letting an almost silence to fall over us momentarily. “Just listen to how beautiful that is,” I always love it when he gets in moods like this. Sometime he will just ramble for hours on whatever topic he chooses; today it was the small things. I stopped the recording, and saved it into a folder where I had put other videos of his happy rambling. He lay down, looking across and through the grass, inspecting the small droplets of due which shone almost like dimodes in the sun. A small breeze ran past us causing the boy next to me to shiver slightly, his wet clothes now sticking to his skin.

“Are you cold? Do you want to go inside?” he giggled, shuffling into me.

“No, it’s okay Joshie. I have my own personal heater with me,” I smiled as he cuddled into me, wrapping his arms around me, covering me in dirt in the process. The trees behind us rustled in the wind and the leaves started to move.

“Come on Ty, it’s cold and I don't want you getting sick,” he whined as I stood up, but didn't resist when I pulled him up.

“Josh,” he complained when I guided him back in through the door, and into his room.

“Now get changed,” I turned around knowing that he was insecure about his body. I heard some shuffling and the sound of zips before he gave me the all clear, letting me turn around. He handed me some a bundle of fabric.

“Here, put these on,” I took the clothes, laughing when I separated them.

“Are these my clothes?” he shrugged.

“Probably,” I pulled my shirt over my head, glancing up in time to catch him staring at me. His face heated up as we quickly looked away from each other, giving me time to put on my new dry shirt. I wandered into the kitchen and opened the cupboard, only to find it was almost empty.

“Dude you have like… zero food,” he grinned, pushing me softly.

“Well we’re gonna have t’ get some then won’t we?” The cupboard doors were pushed closed as he got behind me, and forced me outside once more.

 

The clouds had moved, covering the sun and taking its warmth with it- we had decided to ditch the grocery shopping, so now we were walking around the park. Tyler rubbed his hands together before hesitantly taking one of mine in both of his, looking over at me to make sure it was okay. I nodded, listening to the bird calls like he had talked about earlier. Sweet high pitched notes rang out over the field in waves; one bird after another. Soft hands grasped my own, drawing the warmth out of it and taking it as their own. A small smile played on his lips as he hummed contently to himself, the sounds blending almost perfectly with the bird song. He looked up at me, meeting my stare, our eyes lingering for just a second longer than usual. 

“What you thinking about J?” he tilted his head questioningly, shivering as the wind rushed past us. I took off my jacket and put it over his shoulders.

“Nothing really,” I wrapped my arm around his waist, pulling him into me, smiling when he nuzzled into me. “What are you thinkin’ Ty?” he hesitated.

“Uh.. Well ‘m just thinking about how like...” he let out a frustrated sigh “Like how each of the seasons smell different, in a way. You know?” I shook my head, giving him an apologetic glance. 

“Well like… If you think about it, at least to me spring smells like flowers, but then summer smells more like freshly cut grass and sometimes chlorine, and au-” a loud bark interrupted him as a dog and a small kid ran past us. He moved closer to me,  closing what little space we had between us.

“And uh.. Autumn smells more like wet dirt and decaying leaves, it’s a lot different from summer. But then winter doesn't really have a smell, maybe smoke but nothing really...” he looked down, trailing off, but I didn't bother to push him more- if he didn't want to talk I wouldn't make him.

 

The T.V lit up the room, casting shadows around us as we mindlessly watched the music channel. He was cuddled into my side and we had a big blanket thrown over us, keeping us warm. I let my mind wonder.

_ Would Tyler still be my friend if he knew I was gay? I mean... probably, but what if he hated me for it? I had been meaning to tell him over the past few years- and Jenna had been fine with it… so he should be okay with it right? Do I tell him now? If I don’t how long will it take for to work up the courage again? Another four years? Probably. _

There was suddenly an excited squeal.

“Josh Josh Josh Josh,” he hit my arm repetitively. “MCR is on TV look!” sure enough when I looked up there was the music video to ‘famous last words’ playing.

_ 'Cause I see you lying next to me _

_ With words I thought I'd never speak _

_ Awake and unafraid _

_ Asleep or dead _

He bounced excitedly in his seat as the song came an end.

“Did you see Joshie? Did you see?” I laughed, nodding.

“Yes Tyler I saw,” I smiled at him, his eyes still holding the glint of joy.

“Imagine being on T.V Josh! Just think about it!” he suddenly went quiet, like he had said something he shouldn't have, or told me someone else's secret. He settled back down into my side and pulled the blanket around his face. 

 

We stayed like this for a while, the younger buried in blankets, occasionally commenting on the songs that played. A small amount of courage had gathered in my chest.

“Hey Tyler?” making a small sound of approval, he looked up, head slightly tilted.

“Yeah?” 

“I’m gay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im sorry this took so long!! but I hope you enjoyed
> 
> When do you want them to get together?
> 
> if you have any requests feel free to tell me and I'll try my best to make it happen!  
> comments and kudos are always appreciated
> 
> Tumblr: @josh-u-r-dun


	5. DANGER NOODLE!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I told mt sister I would call this chapter "Danger noodle" so yeah the title has zero relevance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is short and that it took so long!! but school work, writer block, and zero motivation has been kicking my butt so I'm sorry!
> 
> This chapter goes out to my sis for no other reason than that she told me to name this chapter danger noodle (it means snake)  
> Also @my sister: you better not be reading this -.-
> 
> Anyways! back on track!  
> I'm going to stop doing the warnings at the beginning of each chapter because I honestly don't know, but it may show up occasionally (also check the tags I have added more)  
> Please just read carefully xx

_ “I’m gay,”  _ I never meant to let those words leave my mouth, it was supposed to be just a thought- an idea at best- something that was never meant to happen  

 

He looked up at me with an unreadable expression before calmly standing, and leaving; as if I had disappointed him. Had I? He met Jenna in the doorway, pushing past her as she stood there dumbfound to what just happened. I let the tears run down my face as I watched my best friend walk out on me; but what confused me most was that this was his house, why didn't he just tell me to leave?    
She approached me with her arms held open, engulfing me in a hug, letting me cry into her shoulder. 

“H-he hates me Jenna! My b-best friend h-hates me!” she rubbed calming circles into my back, slowly rocking me side to side, encouraging me to take deep breaths. 

“Shh, it’s okay Josh. He doesn't hate you, I promise he doesn't hate you,” I sniffed as she helped me up, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.

“I’ll get you home okay?” I knew she was trying to avoid the awkward moment when Tyler came back and I was still here. I nodded, letting her guide me out the door and into the car.

 

I’m not quite sure how or when it happened, but before I knew it Jenna had me wrapped in a blanket. We sat there quietly as she assured me that thing will be okay between us- that he doesn’t hate me.

“Please J, you have to trust me. I promise it will be okay,” I just nodded, not quite sure if I should trust her or not. The sounds of a car pulling into the driveway filled the room, alerting us that one one of my parents were home.

“I’m sorry I should probably go...” I mumbled an okay and watched her leave with a final goodbye. My heart started racing. Was she going to go home to tell him just how pathetic I am? I pulled the blankets up over my head, doing my best to look asleep just in case my they came in. My hands shook and my world spun, tilting at unnatural angles, making my stomach twist. I buried my face into my pillow, trying to quieten the breaths being ripped from me by an invisible force. Broken sobs forced their way past my lips as the memory of Tyler leaving flooded my thoughts. The look he gave me was unreadable. It was as if he was going through two conflicting emotions, trying to decide how to react- how to leave. 

 

The shrill sounds of my alarm pulled me from my sleep, blaring the radio at a defining level. I rubbed my eyes, yesterday's events all coming back to me, sending me into a new round of tears. 

Almost. 

So instead I stared blankly at my drums, the emotional release just out of reach taunting me, void of all emotions.  My eyes started to burn, but I lacked the energy to close them, even just for a second. Everything around me was slightly distorted; I was unsure if it was the tears forming in my eyes or something else. My mind was busy, thinking of every reason of why he left, why he's okay, and why he might not be, leaving me filled with white noise. Quiet footsteps made their way up the stair, stopping when a small knock filled the room.

“Josh sweetie? Can I come in?” I closed my eyes hoping she would think I was asleep; the only problem being that mums knew everything, so of course she knew I was awake.

“I'm coming in okay?” the door clicked open but I didn't dare open my eyes. The bed moved slightly when she sat on the edge, gently rubbing my shoulder.

“What's wrong Josh?” I buried my face into my pillow, mumbling a string of words that probably didn’t make sense.    
“Did you have a fight with Tyler?” a wave of tears came forward, ripping sobs from my body. She pulled into her arms, slowly rocking me side to side.

“What happened J?” I took sharp, shaky breaths, trying to calm down enough to talk.

“I-I told hi-m I w-was gay ‘nd he- he walked out,” her grip tightened around me as she ran her fingers through my hair, smoothing it down.

“Shh, it’s okay, he’ll come around. He loves you a lot J, he really does,” I nodded, not quite trusting my voice as she kissed my forehead.

“I have to go to work now okay? I love you,” I mumbled an I love you back, as I watched her leave the room. I went back to staring at the wall until my eyes hurt, only looking away when my phone vibrated against my leg, flashing Jenna's name. I just ignored it knowing that she probably didn’t care, just trying to maintain a friendship so she could tell Tyler about how much of a baby I was- not that he doesn’t already know. My hands itched, wanting to grab my phone and text him to make sure he was okay. To say sorry. I swiftly picked up my phone and threw it across the room, letting it hit the wall, probably breaking the screen. I let out a frustrated sigh, knowing that I would probably have punched a hole the wall by now if I wasn’t so damn tired; but I knew my hands would thank me later.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that was at least a little okay frens
> 
> How would you feel if I did Tylers P.O.V for a/part of a chapter? 
> 
> If you have and ideas/requests/questions don't be afraid to ask! I don't bite!
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @josh-u-r-dun  
> (I don't know when the next update will be because tests n stuff are coming up)
> 
> Thanks for reading


	6. Im sorry it took me so long to update!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is from Tylers POV from when Josh came out!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so sorry it took this long to update but school, writers block and lack of motivation has been kicking my ass lately 
> 
> Anyways this chapter is from Tyler's point of view from when Josh came out (and it probably isnt that good tbh)  
> (also check for new tags because im really unorganized and don't have to much of a plan)  
> Again I am really sorry

I was cuddled into my bestfriends side, looking at the t.v - not watching, just staring; when the screen flashed, showing someone lying on the floor. I grinned, sinking down into the blanket covering us, before sitting up and emitting a high pitched squeal.

“Josh Josh Josh Josh!” I jumped up and down in my seat, tapping Josh's arm excitedly, each hit getting harder than the last. He looked over at me questioningly.

“MCR is on t.v! Look!” he looked over at the t.v smiling a little as the camera panned across the the floor, now focusing on Gerard.

_ ‘Now I know _

_ That I can't make you stay _

_ But where's your heart? _

_ But where's your heart? _

_ But where's your…’ _

I was still moving excitedly, my eyes glued to the screen, as I watched my idols on the screen. I loved watching them, this video in particular, because you could see the energy- the passion put into it. 

_ 'Cause I see you lying next to me _

_ With words I thought I'd never speak _

_ Awake, and unafraid _

_ Asleep, or dead’ _

I slowly got myself to calm down, the last words still ringing in my ears 

‘ _ Nothing you can say can stop me from going home. _ ’ 

I looked over at Josh and one thing stood out most to me. He was home. People ask you ‘What's home to you?’ and my answer is always Josh- but I never dear to say that.

“Did you see Joshie? Did you see?” he giggled, nodding as I clung to his arm.   
“Yes Tyler, I saw,” I hummed happily, resting my head on his shoulder.

“Imagine being on t.v Josh! Just think about it!” I stopped, realizing that I probably shouldn’t have said that- he doesn’t need to know I write music, or that I hoped to go places with it. I slid back down to my position with my head on his chest, and pulled the blanket up around my face. 

 

I kept my eyes on the videos that played, but most of my attention was on Josh's steady heart beat. It sped up slightly as he drew a deep breath.

“Hey Tyler?” I hummed, looking up at him.

“Yeah?”

“I’m gay,” everything stopped. My mind raced almost as fast as my heart. Does this mean I have a chance?

**_Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. He_ ** tsked.  **_Of_ ** **course** **_not… No one could love you, we've been over this; he's just playing with you. Plus, we both know he's not a f-_ ** I cut  **_him_ ** off by quickly standing and leaving, not daring to look back at him. I pushed past Jenna, with tears in my eyes.

_ Did you not like his joke Ty? Don't you think it's hilarious? _ I made my way outside and headed  for the forest just on the edge of the property. I climbed one of the trees, pulling myself up onto a stable branch. I thought about all those times his mum had joked about us being a couple - when she seriously asked if we were - I never thought anything of it. I started to wheeze slightly as I threw my leg over the other side of the branch so I was now straddling it, with my back against the trunk. The wind blew dried leaves at me, swaying the whole trees. I looked down at the houses, trying to think of all the reasons why I left him there; was I scared he could hear  **_him_ ** ? Was it that I couldn't accept myself yet? I took a deep breath, trying to prevent myself from needing my inhaler that I forgot to bring. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I watched the car pull out of the driveway and I silently thanked Jenna for taking care of him. Slowly, I made my day down, landing with a soft thud as my feet met the damp earth. I twisted the doorknob, noting that she left it unlocked - another reason why love her; she knows how idiotic I can be. My limbs were heavy as I trudged into the kitchen. On the bench there was a small post it note.

 

_ I took him home and will make sure he's safe _

_ I'll be back soon, stay safe Tyler _

__       - Jenna _ _

 

I walked into the lounge and picked my inhaler up off the coffee table. Taking a deep breath as I pushed the button, the weight in my hands grew, spreading up onto my chest.

**_He hates you. He knows you're already going hell, he hopes you'll find your way sooner._ ** I could hear the smile in his voice. The weight got heavier, preventing me from moving forwards - what’s the point anyway? I pressed my back against the wall and slid down so I was now sitting on the floor, in the hallway. I'm not sure how long I stayed there for; it could have been minutes or hours, there was no difference between the two.

 

My eyes flew open when a hand lightly touched my shoulder.

“Tyler,” everything was slightly blurred until I managed to focus on the person in front of me - Jenna.  A panicked sound escaped my lips.

“Hey it’s okay Ty, it’s okay,” she attentively took my hands in hers, helping me up and guiding me into my bedroom. Leading me to my bed and laying down next to me, helping me to get comfortable. Sharp breaths were still being pulled from me as she placed one of my hands on my stomach, and the other on my chest. 

“Remember your breathing Tyler. Remember your breathing techniques you learned, it’s gonna be okay,” I closed my eyes, focusing on the air filling my lungs.

**_He hates you Tyler, he really does, just like everyone else._ **

I slowly let the breath out but it still came out broken and sharp, almost like a broken bottle. Images of Josh crying flooded my mind. It was bad enough that he was sad, but what makes it worse was that he was upset _because of me._ _My_ stupid actions made this happen, because _I_ was dumb enough to walk out. I was brought back to reality when Jenna urged me to sit up. 

“Deep breaths, you're doing good,” I knew she was saying that just to make me feel better. She pulled me up as I started coughing, and handed me my inhaler. My hand shook and she tried to steady them in her own.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.”   
“It’s going to be okay Tyler, It’s going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah that was probably shit but I hope you enjoyed it friends 
> 
> And yet again I am really sorry for the time it took to get this up, hopefully it wont happen again
> 
> Comments and kudos are greatly appreciated as always and I hope you have a great week xx
> 
> Also!! tell me if you have any ideas or anything you would like to happen!! 
> 
> Tumblr: josh-u-r-dun


	7. forgiveness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow im sorry its taking me so long to update friends

**Tyler P.O.V**

“He hates me Jenna!” I hissed as we stood outside his door with a spare key in hand. She took it from me and slid it into the lock, quietly opening the door.

“No he doesn't okay? And if he does I'm sure he will forgive you Tyler. You're his best friend,” we stepped in and I made my way to his bedroom, leaving Jenna behind. I creped up the hallway, not wanting to alert him of my presence before I got to see the state he was in. Knocking lightly on the door I waited for a response, but nothing but silence followed. 

“J-Josh?” there was soft click as the door was locked. Muffled sounds could be heard in the other room, but they weren’t quite loud enough to be able to tell what they were.

“Fuck off Tyler! I don’t Fucking care!” the guilt weighed me down like a ton of bricks sitting on my shoulders - he  _ never _ swore. I slumped against the door, listening carefully to the man inside.   
“I’m sorry Josh, I really am. Will you give me a chance to explain myself? Please?” I waited patently as I waited for a response.

“I'm waiting,” his voice broke towards the end of his sentence. The door moved slightly behind me; I hoped it was him leaning on it, rather than him throwing something at me.

“I’m so sorry, I know there are no possible good reasons to why I left you like I did… but I will try and explain,” I could hear Jenna pottering around on the floor below us. “It's just that- I- when you came out to me it uhh… made Blurry mad, and I chose the flight side of the fight or flight response out of habit. I know it's not a very good reason and I-” my breath caught in my throat, “I don't expect you to forgive me, but please remember that I'm sorry,” I stood up and was about to leave when I heard a small voice behind me.

“Wait… Tyler?” he sounded so broken, I don’t think I could have kept walking even if I wanted too. A soft click was emitted from the lock. “Come in.”

I turned around and let my hand hover above the doorknob for a moment, letting myself take a deep breath before walking in. Slowly, I pushed it open, revealing what I had been dreading seeing.   
“Josh, I-” I cut myself off. I knew that he would probably be in a state when I saw him, but this? I never wish to see him like this ever again. He was the skinniest I had ever seen him even though it had only been a couple weeks, this made wonder when he last ate. His hair was greasy, his clothes stained, and his knuckles bruised.

“C-can I hug you?” he closed his eye and nodded slowly. I carefully approached him with my arms open, giving him time to back away if he changed his mind. Gently, I wrapped my arms around him, letting him lean into me and rest his head on my shoulder.

 

**Josh P.O.V**

Eventually Jenna called us both into the lounge, handing us both hot chocolate as she directed us onto the couch.   
“I’ll be out in the park if you need me,” Tyler mumbled a response just as she shut the door behind her, letting in a cold gust of air. I went back to leaning on him, adsorbing his warmth. The drink in my hand burned my tongue but it tasted okay so I was happy. Had Tyler lost weight? His shoulders seemed bonier (which I didn’t think was possible) compared to the last time I did this a few months back.I didn’t bring it up though, not wanting to break the comfortable silence just yet. Gradually my head moved from his shoulder to his lap while he absent mindedly played with my hair. I didn’t want to think of all the reasons why I should still be mad at him, because sometimes you just have to forgive people for the mistakes they make - and how am I supposed to stay mad at him for longer than an hour? His hands started to wonder from my head to my hands, soothingly rubbing his thumbs over my knuckles.

“Josh… What happened? Did someone hurt you?” I could feel the concern radiating off him.    
“No I- that was me,” my voice was barely a whisper, to ashamed to speak any louder.    
“I’m really sorry but I have to go, its really windy and I dont want Jenna cold. I’m really sorry,” I sat up and let him off the couch “I’ll be back soon but if you object, just text me okay?” I nodded and made a sound of approval. He kissed the top of my head before heading towards the door.

“Oh but just one thing,” he paused, his hand sitting on the door knob “I’m pan,” with those two words left he left.  I stared blankly at the spot he was standing just seconds ago.   
“It’s okay, I accept you...” my words hung in the air, not able to find the right person to reach.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed again i am sorry it takes me so long to update
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated
> 
> if i take to long remind me to hurry up @josh-u-r-dun on tumblr


	8. To us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some fluff + a new character

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm back..  
> I'm so sorry it took six months to update, I will do my best to update more now  
> Also! a small change has been made to the story due personal issues so I have removed the eating disorder tag
> 
> I hope you enjoy!  
> (un edited)

“Josh!” I turned around to see Tyler bounding towards me - okay, maybe not bounding, it was more of a fast walk for someone who was limping.

“Ty! What happened to you? Are you okay?” he smiled, nodding happily, wrapping his arm around my waist.

“Yeah, just went for a jog ‘nd screwed up my ankle,” I pulled him into me, attempting to take some of his weight off his foot. It had been a couple weeks since he came out to me, and we have resumed our routine of seeing each other as often as possible but, it wasn't quite the same. There was still tension between us, although it was only small, neither of us dared to approach it. 

“When did you start to exercise huh?” he pushed me with his shoulder, laughing lightly, I could feel him shaking slightly, “You okay buddy?”

“Yeah, just the inhaler as usual.” We slowly made our way to the coffee shop around the corner; why we couldn’t just meet there will forever remain a mystery (it was Tyler’s idea though.)  

 

It was a nice contrast; the cold wind to the warm room that smelt like coffee and chocolate. 

“I’ll order our drinks if you grab us a seat.” He gave a quick nod before turning back to me.   
“I swear Dun, if you order me anything with coffee in it, we are gonna have to have some serious words.” He hobbled away, but I could tell he was still scowling at me. I walked up to the counter and waited a couple of seconds before a familiar face came into view.   
“Brendon? What are you doing here?” a smile spread across the man's face.

“Wow it’s nice to see you too Dun.” He ruffled my hair before taking down my order, making me repeat it several times “Won't be long Joshua!” I glared at him knowing he would take his sweet time since there was no one else here.

 

“Brendon, I swear to god it’s been  _ five whole minutes! _ ” he finished off writing on the cups before handing them to me, my hands welcomed the warmth.   
“Here you are Dun, your coffee and big ass hot chocolate you got to impress your boyfriend,” he gave me a shit eating grin.   
“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“I know… but he will be,” he gave me a quick wink before turning and going to rearrange the pastries. I headed over to Tyler with the drinks (which were now slightly burning my hands) and set the on the table.

“Uhh, sorry Brendon was being was taking his time making them,” confusion crossed his face.

“Wait, you mean like Brendon Urie, Brendon?” he reached for the cups, reading what was written on them to find which was his.

“Yup,” Tyler tilted his head slightly, smiling at the cups before running his hand through his hair.

“Yeah and he’s gonna be at my place around five, and he want you to come,” I turned the cups and read the words messily written on them ‘Chocolate boy: I’m going to your place at 5’ ‘Dun please make sure they let me in, see u then.’    
“At least he gave warning this time,” he hummed in agreement, quickly checking his phone.

“I’m gonna text Jenna, otherwise I’m gonna forget,” I leant back into the chair and watched him. I love the look he gets when he’s concentrating on something, how his eyes close for a couple seconds while he thinks, and his eyebrows ever so slightly furrowed. He gave a quick nod  and put his phone away.

“Jenna won’t believe me.”

 

“Oh, hey Josh,” Jenna stepped aside and let me in, “Why do you even knock anymore? You have your own key. Oh you should go find Tyler and see what we did,” I slowly nodded before heading to his room.

“Entering!” I waited a couple seconds before opening the door, and being confronted with Tyler in a full face of make up; and he was beautiful. 

“Uh hello?” the gold and brown eyeshadow shimmered in the light, making it hard for me not to stare.

“You look beautiful, should wear it more often,” he smiled and pulled me into a hug.

“Thank you, I had to get Jenna to do my eyeliner tho, couldn't get the wings even,” there was a soft knock before Jenna walked in with an armful of clothes, and dropped them onto the bed. 

“Right,” she spread them out a bit more so we could see them better “Okay so you said floral so this is what I have,” she held up a floral kimono like thing, and a skirt with roses printed on it. Tyler took the kimono from her and held it up to himself.   
“Is this okay? Also Josh text Brendon we’re going out,” I got out my phone when he turned to his draws to find a shirt to go with it. 

**_Josh:_ ** _ We’re going out  so dress up _ _   
_ **_Bren:_ ** _ You know I always over dress, no need to tell me _

“Tyler, I’m gonna borrow some clothes,” he nodded before gesturing for me to turn around as he held up a black shirt. Both me and Jenna turned around, giving him time to change his shirt until he gave us the all clear.   
“I also brought these jeans with me because I thought you would rock them,” I slipped past them and went to his wardrobe to find a jacket, as Jenna held up a pair of high waisted jeans. When I opened the door I was faced with black blob, almost everything was black. A leather jacket caught my eye.

“Hey wasn’t this mine?”

“Yeah, probably,” I shrugged it on and quickly looked in the mirror, catching a glimpse of of him in his underwear, causing my face it instantly warm up. There was a knock on the door before it opened and brendon stepped in.    
“Hey Tyler,” he did a double take and wolf whistled “Holy shit you’re hot Joseph,” Tyler looked down, a blush dusting his cheeks.

“Hey Jenn,” he wrapped an arm around her and gave her a light squeeze before turning to me “Dun.”   
“Urie,” Tyler clapped his hands.

“We should go take aesthetic photos!” 

 

Tyler and I sat on the swings with Brendon carefully balanced across our legs, the yellow street lights probably casting unfortunate shadows on us, but that was okay - we were having fun. 

“I got the shot!” Jenna jumped up and shook the the photo that the camera printed, as Brendon rolled off us and onto the floor. We had taken so many photos in the hour we had been out, a lot of them with the surrounding trees and flowers, but now we were just here to have fun. Tyler took the polaroid camera from her, beckoning us to all come together.

“Squish in so we all fit,” we moved together so there was no space between us. Just as he was about to take the photo, I leant in and kissed his cheek, causing him to emit a surprised squeak- and honestly I think I was just as surprised as he was. He showed us the picture, he looked happy but surprised with me kissing him - how I wish I could  _ actually _ kiss him. Brendon was at the back, holding Jenna bridal style. 

“To us!” Bredon shouted and we echoed, pulling each other into a group hug.

We were back together, and nothing could stop us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I'm sorry this took so long!  
> I hope you enjoyed it, tell me if you did/didn't  
> if you have suggestions for this story please tell me!
> 
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated 
> 
> Tumblr: alivefor-top


	9. breakfast (and a show)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more fluff + what you'er probably waiting for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not proofread as usual (tell me if its bad though then i will)
> 
> (I know the saying is dinner and a show)

Brendon was still passed out on the couch when I snuck into the kitchen to make breakfast, the cold wood floors making me regret not wearing thicker socks. Jenna was sitting on the bench, sleepily clutching her coffee.   
“Hey Jenn,” I pressed a kiss to the top of her head “Move over I’m gonna make us something.” She moved over a bit so she was no longer in the way.  A gust of cold air left the fridge when I opened it, making me shiver at the sudden temperature change. I grabbed out the ingredients and set them on the bench, putting the eggs in a bowl so they wouldn’t roll away like last time.   
“Whatcha making?” she still sounded tired but a little more alert.

“Waffles,” I heated the milk and broke the eggs into a bowl, managing to only get a little bit of the shell in it. Jenna got up and turned on the waffle iron, probably knowing I always forget to preheat things.   
“Josh’s favorite huh? ” she nudged me with her shoulder “Is this because of last night?” the memories of the previous night flooded my mind.

_ I held the camera up, hoping it got us all in the frame when I felt Josh move next to me. Josh’s lips touched my cheek as I took the photo, only staying long enough for the picture, but no longer. _

“Uhh… no, maybe… yes,” I looked down, not daring to meet her eyes knowing she'll just tell me to ‘hurry up and get with him’ so I focussed on getting the shell out of the mixture - as much as I loved her, I didn't want to have that convocation with her when both Josh and Brendon were here. She put all the dry ingredients in another bowl, and whisked them together. 

“Should do something Ty, let him know,” she pushed me with her shoulder, “Here, move over and oil the iron, I’ll mix this,” she took the other bowl off me and started mixing the two together, leaving me to finish setting up the waffle iron.

 

“Mornin’,” Josh slid into a chair at the table “Smells good. Breakfast?” I hummed,  placing cream and maple syrup in front of him. He rested his head on my arm, mumbingling dowsily.

“Thank you, Ty,” Brendon made gagging noises across from us, only stopping when Jenna shoved him harshly. I ran my fingers through his hair, making him hum quietly.

“Eat up bud, I didn’t get up early for nothing,” I sat next to him, my touch lingering a little too long to be considered “normal” but then again, we aren't normal. There was a clattering of plates as we all reached for one, trying to grab something to eat before Brendon took it all (it wouldn't be the first time).  Jenna and Brendon kept glancing at each other and giving the other the look I knew all too well, it was the ‘We need to get them together’ look. Last time they tried to get us together we both ended up with hangovers and no recollection of the previous night's events. 

 

It was late afternoon and Josh and I were both in my bed, spooning slightly, as we both watched the screen of my phone. His head was resting on my shoulder, his arm draped over my waist. The cool air bit at my nose and ears, but it was okay because I was wrapped in a human heater. Josh let out a breathy laugh as we watched a cat completely misjudge a jump - gosh he was such a dork. He leant forwards a bit, his cheek sliding sliding off my shoulder, and in a semi-warm, sleepy haze and I did the unforgettable. 

 

I  _ kissed  _ him.

 

He let out a surprised squeak as my lips met his, but melted into it as the initial shock wore off. I pulled back, eyes wide and panting slightly, realising what I just did.

Shit.

We both sat frozen, and not quite sure what to do.

“Can we do that again?” his voice was kept low. I nodded, leaning in to meet him halfway. It  was a lot softer this time, and tasted slightly of coffee but honestly - it was perfect. 

The door swung open and Brendon burst in.

“Get off each others dicks and say goodbye to me!” we pulled away from each other quickly, “OH MY GOD JENNA!” a heavy blush covered both of our cheeks as the sound Jenna’s feet grew nearer. Brendon jumped up and down when she came in the doorway.

“They were kissing, like  _ actual kissing, _ ” she gasped giving Josh a stern look.

“If you're gonna kiss my boy you gotta shave more, you're not giving my son beard burn. And use protection, I’m not ready to be a grandmother yet, you hear me?!” I groaned  and hid my face in my hands, as she laughed.

“Come on Bren let's leave them alone okay?” she grabbed his hand and dragged him out before he could protest, leaving us alone.

“Josh?” he hummed, looking over at me, “Do you wanna go on a date?”

“I’d love too,” he buried his face in the crook of my neck, I could feel him smiling against me.

 

**_Don’t get too excited, we all know no one could love you._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed!   
> leave your suggestions in the comments or shoot me an ask @josh-u-r-dun on tumblr
> 
> All kudos, comments, and feedback is appreciated 
> 
> Thank you for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed  
> like I said before I am going to be trying to update as often as possible but school and stuff make it harder so please be patient  
> If you have any ideas/want anything to happen, feel free to tell me, because I only have limited things planed!  
> I will also be more than happy to add more tags if needed
> 
> Tumblr: josh-u-r-dun


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